The GOP should, like, ban the Secret Service.
By Meghan McCain

I’ve been a Republican for almost a whole year now, but the GOP needs to make some serious changes if it wants to keep me around. Like I’ve said before, a lot of people need to leave this party before they embarrass me anymore.

Getting rid of Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, Karl Rove, Laura Ingraham and Ann Coulter would be a good start. But we also need to kick out those traditional marriage supporters, boring old pundits, Jesus freaks, and all those haters who make fun of my weight.

I mean, how can the GOP ever be a tolerant, big tent unless I kick out everyone different from me?!

To prove I'm the New Voice of the Republican Party, all the Democrats in the media keep inviting me to their shows and all the rad parties. Last weekend I even got VIP passes to this White House Correspondents' Dinner thing. Score!

Now I don’t know exactly what that organization is all about, but I heard John Cusack was going to be there so I had to be all about it! If you haven’t seen him in High Fidelity, you should ‘cause it’s awesome. I’m totally into the whole indie rock thing, so I can relate. (Avril rox! LOL!)

So I wore this killer dress I got at NY Fashion Week and called my BFFs Jinnae and Rochille so we could totally swarm the scene. Jin's half-asian, but I'm still friends with her 'cause I'm all for diversity. But after we make the grand entrance, this lame security guy starts asking us questions.

He's all, “Ma'am, may I see your tickets.” Yeah, we knew what he wanted to see, so we played hard to get. Like Roch always says, “show me the money!” which is from that movie. She's so chill!

So anyway this guy, like, BLOCKS MY WAY and says, “Ma'am, may I see your tickets,” all angry. Who says "ma'am" anymore? Do I look like Joan Cleaverage or something? Hey, I have a tattoo and friends that are only part-white and I’m totally cool with that. Sorry if that blows your mind, middle America!

Finally, he flashes a badge saying Secret Police or something, so I flash him my VIP tix.  “There are only two passes and three in your party.” So I’m all, “Um, hell-o? I’m Meghan McCain? I’m totally a famous blogger?” And he just looks at me and speaks into a radio thingie.

More of his boys step up and move us to the side. Total Ivy Style squares. Can you believe guys are still buying Brooks Brothers suits? Lame. At least rock some Ed Hardy to edge it out. So I'm like, "We’ll just stand here then," and gave my pout. Boys always give in to my pout. (That's what Daddy says!)

Jinnae didn’t have time for this scene, obv. She was totally texting Huntre who blew her off Friday night. She’s all like, “Guess ware I M, boo? Y dont U turn on E-SPAN” or whatever. Total burn. Like Axe-spray-collar-popper Huntre even has a chance with her. He's so gay, but not in the cool way, just the metaphorical, lame way. Cause real gays are way cool. I’m totally friends with two of 'em.

Anyway, Mall Cop goes, “We can only allow two of you in.” I dealt with these Secret Police guys on Daddy’s campaign, so I said, “Um, Senator McCain gave us permission, so go ride off on your Segway or whatever.” So funny. But then he STILL wouldn’t let me in. He was totally like one of those German Nazi guys. But WAY more Nazi-ish.

Finally, Daddy got there to sort things out. Took him long enough! But here's the worst part — right before we went in, this guard guy said he voted for Daddy! (barf!) Figures he would be some stupid redneck Republican. Probably didn't vote for Obama 'cause he hates blacks.

So Republicans, if you ever want to get power again, listen to the advice of the new generation. Kick out those lame Secret Service guys and any other security guards who hassle me and my friends.

And you also have to kick out Daddy's assistant who said John Cusack was going to be there. Nowhere in sight. At least Ben Affleck was at the next table. Gigli was off the hook!

Meghan McCain is originally from Phoenix. She graduated from Columbia University in 2007. She previously wrote for Newsweek magazine and created the website mccainblogette.com. She didn't really write this piece.

UPDATE (5/15): Thanks to Conservative Grapevine for the kind link (always a great way to start your day)! If you want to follow us on Twitter, here's my account and here's the ExLg blog feed.